


God I Know I'm One

by edgarallanrose



Series: Season 13 Codas and Ficlets [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Episode Related, Episode Tag, M/M, Mild Blood, Post-Episode: s13e02 The Rising Son
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-24
Updated: 2017-10-24
Packaged: 2019-01-22 03:58:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 825
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12472968
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/edgarallanrose/pseuds/edgarallanrose
Summary: The knife clattered into the sink, Dean now needing both hands to grip the side of the basin. Memories like this kept popping up unbidden. Every time they did he had to swallow down vomit. He had been enduring terrible stomach cramps ever since…Shit.Episode Coda for 13x02: The Rising Son





	God I Know I'm One

**Author's Note:**

> Spoilers for 13x02 (obviously). Unbeta'd

Dean stalked away from the kid, that _stupid_ kid, bloody knife in hand.

He walked directly to his room to wash the blade in his own sink so Sam wouldn’t see. He wondered briefly if he should save the blood instead, collect it somehow. It’s possible there was a spell or sigil it could be used for to get rid of him, or at least weaken him. Dean hesitated for a moment, letting a single drop of blood fall against the ceramic basin, leaving a stain of red as it crept toward the drain. He shook his head and twisted the knob to turn on the tap. He knew there was no such thing. He had already checked, double-checked, and triple checked. The blood turned the water pink.

The image triggered a memory. The details were hazy, but it was around the early years of knowing Cas. Dean had cut up his knuckles and busted a hand during an angel fight, he couldn’t remember which one. His hands were bleeding, but it wasn’t any worse than any injury sustained during a normal hunt. Back at whatever motel they were staying at Cas had appeared and wordlessly took his both his hands in his. He brushed his thumb over Dean’s knuckles, instantly healing the cuts and bruises. All that was left was to wash the blood (belonging to both him and others) off of his hands, turning the water pink.

The knife clattered into the sink, Dean now needing both hands to grip the side of the basin. Memories like this kept popping up unbidden. Every time they did he had to swallow down vomit. He had been enduring terrible stomach cramps ever since…

Shit.

He sat down on the edge of his bed, on hand on his forehead, the other gripping his stomach. The water still rushed from the tap, over the knife and down the drain. The sound was making him nauseous.

He sometimes still referred to Cas in the present tense. Sam had kindly not been correcting him. Maybe Sam still really thought they were going to get him back, like he thought they were still going to save mom. And, apparently, save the motherfucking spawn of Satan.

“Fuck,” Dean groaned out loud, doubling over. His unfinished beer mocked him from where he set it on the sink, as his stomach threatened to empty the portion he already drank.

The truth was the kid… _Jack_ …didn’t remind him of Lucifer. Not really. He actually reminded him of Sam a little bit. And often, more painfully, of Cas. It was like salt in the wound every time he had to answer his innocent questions about the world, stare back into his inquisitive blue eyes. It shouldn’t matter. In the past Dean had promised to kill both Sam and Cas. That if the time came when they went dark side it would be him that stopped them. It had to be him. Jack should be even less of an issue. And yet…

Sometimes he couldn’t help thinking, _would Cas want this?_ He had been really taken with the kid. Well, in utero anyway. So much so that Jack actually considered Castiel his adopted father. Would Cas feel the same way about Jack?

Dean couldn’t let himself entertain these kinds of thoughts for too long. For one thing, Dean was still positive that Cas really hadn’t been of his own mind when he had disappeared off the map in his effort to protect Kelly. And for another, what did it matter anyway? Cas wasn’t fucking here to tell him otherwise.

Dean rolled to his side, still clutching his stomach, his eyes stinging. How many times had Dean imagined Cas in this bed with him? And how many times had he been too much of a coward to do anything about it? He wondered if Cas knew; if all those thoughts and fantasies had maybe reached him like prayers. It had felt a lot like praying.

He was almost certain that Sam knew, but one could only guess what he meant by his “Do you wanna talk about it?” shtick, like a broken record every time Dean got visibly upset about something. These days that was almost a daily occurrence.

Dean sucked in a breath, and then another, slower the second time. He got up, wiped at his eyes, and turned off the sink. He finished the rest of his beer in three swallows. He needed to return the knife before Sam noticed it missing. He swung and cracked the empty beer bottle against the side of the sink in an effort to make himself feel better.

Nope. Still felt like shit, except now with broken glass everywhere.

He started picking up some of the larger pieces that fell into the sink and sliced open his palm in the process. Dean swore.

The blood splashed red against the white basin. Dean didn’t wash it down this time.

**Author's Note:**

> Heeeey everybody! Sorry I've been gone for *checks last posting date* literally six months. Yikes. But I have a good excuse! I spent that ENTIRE TIME working on this years DCBB submission, set to post November 1st! You can check out the official promo [here](http://deancasbigbang.tumblr.com/post/165403148119/title-morning-glory-author-edgarallanrose) . I'm really excited to share it with y'all and, spoiler alert, the art is awesome. 
> 
> In the meantime, I'm going to attempt to do some destiel codas for season 13! I can't guarantee one for every episode as I have night classes on Thursdays and I don't usually even get to watch the episode until several days later -_- (hence, posting this right now on a Monday). BUT, if you liked this one, please consider subscribing to read future potential ficlets. And let me know what you thought! I haven't done codas in a time and a half. 
> 
> As always, feel free to come say hi to me over on [tumblr](https://www.edgarallanrose.tumblr.com) and thanks for reading!!


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